How, we asked Dr. Bigone, can he drive so _rapidamente_
so regularly, while for the rest of us it's all we can
do to keep our points total below the
license-threatening redline? Generously, he has
consented to share with us his ten best tips for flying
on the highway without fear. Of cops. These tips are,
most of them, methods we here at Car and Driver
are well acquainted with, but Dr. Bigone's unique
presentation conveys them concisely and in one highly
entertaining and easy-to-use package.
I, Dr. Umberto Bigone, lover of high velocity vehicles
and of using them in the manner that God intended, share
for the first time with my fellow enthusiasts knowledge
gained over decades of experience on heavily patrolled
highways of the nation and the world. I do this free of
charge, though the evolution of my secrets came in
small, incremental, often expensive steps as new
situations, new equipment, and new measurement
techniques caused my original Golden Rule ("Watch Your
Rear-View Mirror" ) to blossom into the Ten Best Ways.
As in all offers American, a disclaimer is called for:
if, after you learn these rules, you are apprehended,
please do not attempt to call me and threaten legal
action. Remember that advice may be worth no more than
what you paid for it ( nothing in this instance) and
that Dr. Bigone's special remedy cannot *eliminate* the
risk of apprehension, though my tips can and do
dramatically reduce such risk.
RULE 1: SELECT PROPER EQUIPMENT
You cannot hope to speed with impunity without proper
equipment. The best radar detector money can buy is a
mandatory investment. But there is more: think about the
car itself. A bright red Ferrari F40 or Lamborghini
Diablo, and a bespoilered and fat-tired Mustang GT are
"ticket magnets." A nondescript Ford Aerostar, in
mouse-gray- metallic, or a powder-blue generic U.S.
sedan, are largely ticket-proof. It is sad, but the more
overtly your vehicle displays the intent for high-speed
use, the less it will be capable of doing so. Perhaps
this fact explains why, in a presumably Darwinian
evolution, Corvette drivers have become slower and
slower, to the point of now being tragic but amusing
mobile chicanes. The answer to driving fast without
resorting to a dull automobile is the sports sedan, and
fine examples abound, ranging from the Infiniti Q45 to
the Taurus SHO and the Dodge Sprint R/T. If ordered in
other than "Arrest-Me-Red", the modern sports sedan will
provide many more miles of hassle free motoring at far
greater speeds than a more "overt" vehicle. All cars may
look the same to a radar gun, but radar is not the only
threat, and if you are stopped, the type of vehicle you
drive and *what it says about your driving style* can be
of decisive importance.
RULE 2: RECOGNIZE THE THREAT EARLY
This is a straightforward rule. Believe your detector,
even if it gives only a short, uncertain signal. It may
well be the dreaded K-band "instant-on" aimed at
vehicles ahead of you. How often have I, hurtling down
the highway, heard the first plaintative bleat from my
Escort, pulled courteously to the right, permitted my
close follower (in disregard of Rules 5 and 6) to blast
by, only to have him receive a full dose of microwaves
seconds later. This is inevitably followed by the
offensive sucking-vacuum sound of a large police cruiser
rushing past the now sanctimomously-slow Dr. Bigone. The
scene ends, so sad, with a display of flashing lights
somewhere up ahead.
Scanning X-band radar is falling into increasing
disuse, and many agencies are resorting to traditional
seek-and-pace techniques. Or they may sneak up behind,
match your speed, and then, within range, squeeze off a
burp of instant-on to lock up the evidence. So sad, yes?
You must learn to recognize "threat" vehicles. Even
though the telltale "light bar" is increasingly absent,
threat vehicles have some common characteristics: they
are almost always American, usually full-size Fords,
full-size Chevrolets, Mustang GTs, or Plymouth Gran
Furys/Dodge Diplomats. Period.
Even without light bars, you should be able to pick
out these vehicles at great distances by looking for
windshield-pillar mounted spotlights (carefully folded
inward) and, more importantly, fat tires. When
approaching a suspect vehicle from the rear, look for
the above cues plus check the underside for the telltale
stabilizer bar, especially on Chevrolets.
If you think you see a well-shod white, ivory, blue,
or black Diplomat, Caprice, Mustang, or Crown Vic in
your rear-view mirror, slow down! Permit him to come
closer for positive identification. The seconds lost are
meaningless and quickly regained if the possible threat
is found to be benign.
When entering a new state, take a few moments at a
local gas pump to learn what types of vehicles and what
types of surveillance the indigenous enforcement
professionals use. It's time well spent.
RULE 3: MAINTAIN A GOOD DAYTIME SCAN
Daytime threat-avoidance is different from
night-avoidance. You see the threat earlier, but he also
sees you. (This is where the wisdom of Rule 1 becomes
apparent: Innocuous cars may pass unnoticed.)
When moving smartly in daylight hours, constantly scan
your mirrors and the road ahead for threats. Slow when
going through underpasses, for the enforcer may be
parked out of sight behind the far-side concrete. Be
suspicious of *any* vehicle parked on the inside or
outside shoulder. Slow down until you are sure it is not
an enforcer. Check on-ramps as you drive by them. Give a
quick look over your right shoulder, all the way to the
top of the on-ramp to ensure that it is clean of the
authorities. Monitor your rear-view mirror constantly
for any sign of unusual activity. Try to remember cars
that you pass. If, later, you see what appears to be a
possible threat vehicle far behind you and don't
remember passing it, slow down for identification. Even
if you are *reasonably sure* you passed it, if that
vehicle is now matching your speed (not getting smaller
in your rear-view mirror), slow down for positive
identification.
Proper daytime scan has saved the author as many as
five times per month.
RULE 4: MAINTAIN A GOOD NIGHT SCAN
At night, the radar-silent enforcer is hard to see. The
daytime rules of underpass-slowing and on-ramp checking
apply, but are more difficult to execute.
The risk of moving up on an enforcer vehicle can be
minimized by learning taillights. This is largely a
process of elimination: pickups, vans, minivans, and
Japanese or European vehicles are not likely to be
threats. Nor are Chevettes, Escorts, GM J-bodies, or any
front-wheel-drive vehicle. But if it looks large, or has
Mustang LX taillights, you must immediately look for
folded-in spotlights and/or fat rubber. Tragically, if
these items are present, you must slow down, though it
might only be an employee of a private security service
on his way home. You can't take the chance.
The prime instrument for night driving is the
rear-view mirror, and the prime rule is to drive fast
enough so that all headlights of passed motorists reduce
rapidly in size. Any pair of headlamps that maintains
the same size or the same separation between the lamps
calls for immediate deceleration pending positive
identification.
RULE 5: PRACTICE STEALTH, DECEPTION AND "HIDING"
You can move fast without exposing yourself, because you
can usually find a "hare" who is pleased to demonstrate
that his car is better than yours. Never attempt to
dissuade him: instead, drop back to a safe distance and
enjoy the radar shield. Do maintain the rear scan,
because threat vehicles coming from behind you are now
your responsibility.
Moving in a lane containing Class 8 trucks some
distance ahead will also shield your car until you pass
the truck. In daylight hours, you may choose to run at
times with lights, at times without, hiding yourself in
front of a group of trucks when you change illumination.
The reason for this is that an enforcer, having
"noticed" you from a long distance back, will be looking
for a certain as-yet-unidentified vehicle with lights on
(or without) as he moves quickly up through traffic.
Suddenly, he is in identifiable range of a vehicle
similar in size and shape to the one he believes may
have been violating, only now the illumination is
different from what he saw earlier, thus rendering him
unsure. Meanwhile, you, practicing Rule 2 and 3, will
have slowed to a quasi-legal speed. This usually draws a
perplexed and suspicious look from the officer, but no
pull-over order, especially if you have removed your
radar detector from the windshield or visor.
An integral part of deception and hiding is the
placement and removal of the detector. The unit belongs
on the windshield or dash directly in front of you so
that a following threat vehicle cannot see it. If you
were an enforcer, would you not pursue vehicles wherein
reside little amber or green blinking lights and kinky
power cords, which can be seen from hundreds of feet
away? If you believe you have been actually "noticed" by
a trailing police vehicle, hide in front of large
trucks, accelerate while under cover, and exit any
off-ramp or rest area. At this juncture, you have
nothing to lose.
Any time you believe that an officer wants to close in
on you, remove the detector at once and place it on the
seat next to you. If you are in imminent danger being
stopped, execute the following emergency procedures in
sequence: (1) remove detector and jam under seat, (2)
wipe off suction cup or other telltale mark with
moistened index fingertip, and (3) replace the cigarette
lighter! An empty cigarette lighter outlet is a dead
giveaway to the officer that he is dealing with a
chronic but sly violator. He will treat you accordingly.
RULE 6: BEWARE OF SLOW MOVING "CLUMPS"
Many an otherwise-experienced and skillful motorist gets
done in by what I call "clumps." Clumps are largish
groups of vehicles covering all available lanes which
move at, or close to, the posted limit. Danger lurks,
strangely enough, because the vehicles are maintaining a
very safe nose-to-tail distance, thus permitting the
unsuspecting enthusiast to carefully make his way
through. Unfortunately, when he emerges at the front of
the clump, he will see a blinding array of flashing
lights overwhelming his rearview mirror. Moral: most
loose clumps contain at least one enforcer vehicle, one
near the front (a marked cruiser) and maybe one near the
center, or end, checking for lane-changing and
in-and-out weaving. The latter may be unmarked, but
knowledge of Rule 2 makes it a dead giveaway. There is
no excuse for getting caught in a clump.
RULE 7: BEWARE OF CURVES, CRESTS, AND GRASSY MEDIANS
Instant-on may be placed so that the violator can be
"shot" just as he crests a hill, before he has a chance
to react. The crest ahead of you may also hide a police
vehicle coming in the other direction, radar at the
ready. Slow down before crests. It's safer.
RULE 8: AVOID UNPROFESSIONAL AND PROVOCATIVE BEHAVIOR
The smart motorist does not alienate others. Slow to a
moderate speed differential when passing other
motorists. (After all, one of those benign-looking
minivans may contain an off-duty officer equipped with
pen and phone.) It is also good judgment to avoid
provocative license plates such as "HI OFCR" or
"SPEEDR." If I were an enforcer, I would give no breaks
to those bearing the bumper sticker, "How's my driving
Call 1-800-EAT-SHlT."
RULE 9: MAINTAIN A HIGH LEVEL OF ATTENTION AT ALL
TIMES
Rapid motoring is a serious business incompatible with
any simultaneous activity. Women can't conk their hair,
males can't shave, and nose-probing is out of the
question for both sexes. Caressing the passenger's fine
thigh is permissible only while driving at, or near, the
posted limit. Marital arguments, discussion of
offsprings' grades, negotiations involving business - in
person or on a car phone - are all incompatible with
Rules 1 through 9. The enthusiast's favorite argument
that the skilled, dedicated driver is safe at higher
than average speeds holds true *only* if he is
unimpaired and totally focused on the task at hand.
RULE 10: BEHAVE CORRECTLY WHEN STOPPED
Chronic rapid driving will, statistically, get you
stopped sooner or later. Observance of Rules 1 through 9
will make it much, much later, but not "never." The
consequences of the interception depend mightily on your
behavior.
Do not act blase. A cocky stance of "Okay,
so-you-got-me" is provocative. So is attempting to argue
that there must be some terrible mistake, you know you
were under the limit. Failure to remove the detector and
the suction-cup marks and to replace the cigarette
lighter will terribly disappoint the officer.
(It is now, by the way, that you wish you hadn't
ordered the Sports Decor Pack, but this is a moot
issue.)
Be courteous, candid, and contrite. Trembling while
handing over your license demonstrates that this
situation is an unusual and terrifying experience for
you. It shows respect for the law and fear of
punishment. (You'll do this automatically .)
The question, "Do you have any idea how fast you were
going?" should be answered with, "Truly, I don't - my
mind was wondering." (This is accurate: You were not
focusing on Rules 1 through 9!) "But I must have been
over the limit or I guess you wouldn't have stopped me."
Note that you weren't speeding *deliberately* - no "late
for work" or "catch a plane" excuses! Your attention
drifted a bit, that's all, no premeditated criminally
was involved!
At this point, the officer may run a computer check on
your hopefully uninteresting driving record which, if
you have been diligently and consistently been
practicing Dr. Bigone s rules, will be point-free! The
resultant action may well be (1) a warning, (2) a modest
fine not involving points, or (3) some "break" in the
reported excess speed, minimizing the points and thus
limiting the damage. The author has experienced all of
these outcomes.
There you have it! May you drive enjoyably, safely,
with low insurance premiums and a good, clean driving
record.
Dr. Umberto Bigone, for obvious reasons, releases no
biographical information.
The editorial
department of Car and Driver has released this article
for non-commercial use on the Internet and any other
electronic networks and bulletin boards providing this
disclaimer is attached. The article "Ten Best Tips for
Fearless Flying" is written by Umberto Bigone (a
psuedoynm) and the 1990 copyright and all rights to
this story belong to Hachette Filipacchi Magazines.
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